Here Are Some Ways To Self-Heal A Pandemic Breakup

• 2020 was “the year of breakups”
• a pandemic breakup, like a pandemic anything, hits a little differently.

Even with life slowly creeping back to normal, a split from a partner during such stressful times can feel challenging, reports NY Times.

The year of breakups 

While 2020 was “the year of breakups” — a Dating.com survey of 3,000 people from September 2020, for instance, reported nearly twice as many breakups between January and September of 2020 when compared with data from 2019 — statistics on how many people split up in 2021 is scarce so far.

How to get through a pandemic breakup? 

Understand why this breakup may feel worse

After nearly two years of pandemic-induced turmoil, “grief is going to feel bigger right now,” said Michael Alcée, a clinical psychologist in Tarrytown, N.Y., who specializes in counseling college students. “All of our vulnerabilities and fragilities are closer to the surface than normal, so we may be much more sensitive to the ways in which things don’t work out,” he said.

“This could be true even if the relationship wasn’t that long or serious, “said Elizabeth Earnshaw, a couples therapist in Philadelphia. People tend to bond over shared trauma, Ms. Earnshaw said, so a breakup during a pandemic may make the time you spent together feel more meaningful.

You might also be grieving the experiences the pandemic prevented you from sharing. “Maybe you always wanted to travel together, but you couldn’t,” she said. “Maybe you never got to meet each other’s families.”

Schedule daily time for sadness

Plan a daily time specifically to grieve and reminisce. “Set a timer, let yourself feel everything you’re feeling, then when the timer goes off, take a deep breath and do a transitional exercise, like taking a shower,” she said.

Be direct about asking for support

It can be hard for friends and family to know what a person who’s struggling needs even in regular times, Ms. Earnshaw said, but right now, “our brains are so overloaded, we’re missing each other’s distress.”

That means you may need to be clearer about asking for help. “Text a neighbor and say, ‘I’m going through a breakup and I don’t know what to do in the evenings, would you be open to a walk?’” Ms. Earnshaw said.

Seek solace from strangers

With our regular support systems compromised, it can be helpful to confide in strangers going through something similar, said Latisha Taylor Ellis, a therapist.

“It’s the ultimate safe space,” said Naz Perez, founder of the support group Heart Broken.

Connect with people in person (but safely)

To heal from a breakup, most of us will need to be around other people, said Karen Osterle, a therapist in Washington, D.C., who specializes in helping couples break up. “It’s not about replacing our partner, it’s about bringing forth aspects of ourselves that may have lain dormant in the relationship,” she said. “We need to feel interesting and interested again.”

The issue with pandemic

The problem is that many are still limiting how often they go out and with whom. When Matt Boling, 35, was getting over a breakup with his boyfriend, the pandemic made it hard to convince friends to meet up. More difficult than rallying other people, though, was rallying himself.

“The pandemic turned me into a homebody,” said Mr. Boling, an instructional designer in Phoenix. “The idea of going to a bar again and talking to someone feels exhausting.”

Think about something you’ve wanted to do for a while — gardening, playing the ukulele, learning to cook — and start doing it, Ms. Osterle said. “First, you’ll distract yourself in a positive way, by building something, but also it may open the door to new connections,” she said. You could test a new recipe by asking a vaccinated neighbor to dinner, for example.

Use this time of unusual isolation to your advantage

When you’re going through a split, it can be hard to see your friends moving forward while you’re not. Right now, though, “we’re all on pause,” Ms. Wood said. “It can be easier to relate to people, because everyone’s feeling a little lonelier and more confined.”

And while the breakup rite of hooking up with a stranger in a bar may not be available (or appealing) right now, that’s actually not a bad thing, Ms. Earnshaw said. “In the past, we might go out every night or move straight on to someone new, but a lot of those behaviors can be about avoidance,” she said. “Right now, the things that are safe for us to do — exercise, get outside — are the things that are most helpful.”

It also means having more time to reflect on the breakup, which has been linked to a speedier recovery. But as you reflect, Ms. Osterle said, resist the urge to either idealize or disparage the relationship.

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Source: NY Times

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