I don’t understand. Is Icon of the Seas a type of food? No, it’s a boat.
I’m still no clearer. It’s a boat. A very big boat, admittedly. The world’s biggest cruise ship, in fact.
How big are we talking?
We’re talking a gross tonnage of 250,800. We’re talking seven swimming pools. We’re talking 7,600 passengers sharing a vessel with 2,350 crew members over 20 incredible decks.
I think I’m starting to understand the human lasagne bit now. That’s right. Despite the ship’s colourful design, a recent proof of concept image of the boat’s stern showed thousands of people squished into layers. Hence “human lasagne”, as coined by the son of Guardian writer Heidi Stephens, who put it on Twitter.
There are worse things for a ship to be called. No, there aren’t. Not even Boaty McBoatface was as bad as this. You’d take a trip on Boaty McBoatface, wouldn’t you, because you’re lighthearted and fun and have a sense of humour. But Human Lasagne?
Yes, that is quite bad. It doesn’t just pour scorn on the ugliness of the boat, but also on every single person on board. They’re instantly reduced to mince.
Nobody wants to voluntarily become mince. Quite, and frankly the cruise industry needs all the help it can get at the moment.
Visit any city where cruise ships routinely dock, and you’ll find thousands of people who absolutely hate cruise ships. They’re huge gaudy skyscrapers that pull into town, blocking everyone’s view of the sea, belching out pollutants while flooding the place with clueless tourists.
Yes, that’s true. Plus, if Covid taught us anything at all, it’s that cruise ships are perfect environments for the spread of infectious diseases, with no hope of escape. Honestly, they’re terrible.
So human lasagne it is. Definitely. I’m with Stephens. You would never catch me on one of those awful things.
What, never? Absolutely, never ever.
So when our attempts to rescue the planet fail, and the seas rise and flood our cities, you are saying that you would never take to the sea in a vast floating city to save your life and the lives of everyone you love? That’s exactly what I’m saying.
Oh, look! It has water slides. What? I love water slides! I take it all back! Sign me up.
Do say: “Welcome on board the HMS Human Lasagne.”
Don’t say: “Iceberg (lettuce) dead ahead.”
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