In good times and bad, in sickness and health, the benefits of friendships between women are physically and psychologically undeniable, sources CNN.
Emotionally Closer
Research shows what many women might intuitively know to be true, said Danielle Bayard Jackson, author of the new book “Fighting for Our Friendships: The Science and Art of Conflict and Connection in Women’s Relationships.” Women’s friendships, Jackson said, are emotionally closer than men’s because they tend to play out on a one-to-one basis, making it easier to share and show up.
But these relationships don’t come without challenges. “Navigating relationships with other women can feel like a land mine knowing that, at any moment, you may turn someone off, hurt her feelings, or cross the line,” Jackson writes in her book.
Why Relationship Feel Fragile?
In studying the research on women’s friendships, I noticed that it didn’t matter what discipline I was looking at — anthropology, sociology, psychology, sociolinguistics — whenever it came to discussions of gender differences and social differences, I kept seeing the same three things emerge.
The three things that make women feel very close and connected are support, symmetry, and secrecy, which I call the three affinities of female friendship. These are also the things that can make our friendships feel fragile.
The No. 1 thing women look for in their same-sex friendships is emotional support. Support is providing emotional help and acts of solidarity. The problem with that, though, is that it’s so subjective. And we don’t often articulate the support we need because we feel like saying it aloud will detract from the chemistry we’re supposed to have — like your friend should just know what you need.
Some Recommendations
First, look at your general attitude and history with conflict. Depending on how the culture of conflict was in your home growing up, people may have just not talked about things and just walked away. You might not be used to addressing conflict either.
Remind yourself that healthy conflict is good, and it’s often a prerequisite for the platonic intimacy you claim to want. After all, who doesn’t want to be in a friendship where you can be yourself and speak authentically? That includes raising issues about things that make you uncomfortable or boundaries and needs you have.
When it comes to conflict, keeping things inside you limits the closeness you can experience with other people. So, healthy conflict is a good thing here. And research shows us that on the other side of healthy conflict, people often report feeling closer, too. If you keep that in mind, it can help you lean into conflict.
The second thing I like to tell people to encourage them or motivate them to raise issues in a friendship is that the right people want the data on how to love you.
If you’re bringing something up with a friend, I suggest opening with vulnerability. I often do an exercise with clients where I ask the main reason why they don’t want to bring something up with a friend. In your conversation with your friend addressing a conflict, you can start with that reason — it should be your first sentence.
The Right Time To Leave a Friendship
There are a couple of things. Maybe you find that you are holding onto the friendship just because of how long you’ve been friends and your shared history, but you’re dreading the hangouts, and it feels like an obligation. I think that’s worth looking at.
If you find that you’re scared to be yourself and share your opinions and express thoughts because there could be some kind of consequence — that this person would punish you or retaliate or belittle you for showing up authentically — I think that’s worth looking at, too.
If you don’t like who you are when you’re together, that’s also something to consider. Finally, if, you feel depleted after you hang out — like it took a lot of work to listen to their negative complaints or they were gossiping or belittling you — that might be a signal that it’s time to let go.
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Source: CNN
